It’s a sad reality many Nigerian men, especially those from the southern part of the country, seem to struggle deeply with control issues. I don’t say this to generalize or bash anyone, but it’s something that can’t be ignored when the patterns keep repeating themselves in different women’s lives.
Just the other day, I was listening to one of my girls vent about the absolute madness her baby daddy puts her through. As she poured her heart out, all I could think about was how many women carry the trauma from one relationship straight into the next, unaware that the baggage has become part of their emotional DNA.
I’ve been there too.
After my last relationship ended, I thought I was free, ready to breathe, to move forward, to start fresh.
But freedom isn’t always instant. Sometimes, you walk away physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, you’re still tied. I began to notice just how much I had to unlearn. I didn’t even realise how much of the pain, the resentment, the triggers I had picked up from childhood, from past relationships, from societal conditioning ; was showing up in my present self.
Let’s talk about daddy issues.
Let’s talk about abandonment trauma.
Let’s talk about how “checking in” started to look like control or obsessive attachment.
Let’s talk about how people-pleasing became my safety net so I wouldn’t be left behind again.
I didn’t know these things were weighing me down. I didn’t know I had built a whole personality around wounds.
But thankfully, the journey of self-awareness pulled me into a space of healing. A space where I could recognise that not all relationships are meant to last, but every relationship has something to teach us.
It’s not easy. The process of unlearning is uncomfortable. It requires you to confront parts of yourself you may not be proud of. It forces you to
re-evaluate how you love, how you communicate, and how you receive love.
But let me tell you something beautiful: you can heal.
You can unlearn dysfunction.
You can relearn peace.
You can show up in your next relationship whole, not as a wounded version of who you used to be.
And so, I keep doing the work. For myself. For my children. For the love I know I deserve.
To every woman who’s been broken, blamed, and burdened by a man’s insecurities ; you are not alone.
Let’s choose healing. Let’s choose growth.
Let’s rewrite the story.
With love,
That Urhobo Girl Abroad
Add comment
Comments