Trauma has a way of lingering. It doesn’t always leave when the situation ends it follows you quietly, showing up in moments that should feel safe. Especially when you’ve walked away from an abusive relationship, you don’t just step into peace… you question it.
You find yourself in “normal” situations, yet your mind prepares for the worst. Because for so long, “normal” was unpredictable, painful, and unsafe.
Coming from Nigeria, I’ve seen a pattern that many women can relate to where unhealthy behavior in relationships is normalized. Where a man’s lack of support at home is excused. Where abuse is disguised as love. Where endurance is praised more than well-being.
And so many women stay.
Not because they don’t see the signs but because they’ve been taught to adjust, to manage, to survive.
But survival is not the same as living.
One of the hardest truths I’ve learned is this: a man with low self-esteem can be one of the most emotionally draining partners. You find yourself constantly shrinking, adjusting, and “massaging” his ego just to keep the peace. It becomes a cycle gaslighting, name calling, emotional blackmail until you almost lose yourself in the process.
And the words… the words don’t just disappear.
“I’d destroy your face so nobody else would want you.”
“You and two children? No one will take that on.”
Those weren’t just threats they were attempts to break my identity, to plant fear, to make me feel unworthy of love beyond that space.
But here’s the truth: I left.
And leaving wasn’t the end of the journey it was the beginning of healing.
I’ve always been resilient. Some call it stubbornness, but I’ve come to understand it differently. It’s the refusal to stay broken. It’s choosing yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it means starting over.
Trauma did shape some of my decisions. It influenced how I saw myself, how I trusted others, how I approached love. But it did not define my ending.
Today, I am learning softness again.
Being in my femininity feels unfamiliar at times because for so long, I had to be strong, guarded, and ready to defend myself. Now, I am unlearning survival mode and allowing myself to simply be.
I never thought I would get married again. I believed the narrative that all men were the same. But healing has a way of shifting your perspective gently, over time.
And while I am still healing, I am no longer who I used to be.
I am becoming.
Life Lessons from My Journey
1. Leaving is strength, not failure
Walking away from abuse is one of the bravest decisions you can make. Staying is often normalized but leaving is what saves you.
2. Love should never feel like fear
If you are constantly anxious, walking on eggshells, or being diminished, that is not love no matter how it’s labeled.
3. Words can wound deeply choose what you believe
People may speak from their own brokenness. You don’t have to carry their words as your truth.
4. Healing is not linear
Some days you will feel strong, other days triggered. Both are valid parts of the process.
5. Your past does not disqualify you from love
Having children, having history, having scars—none of these reduce your worth.
6. Not all men are the same—but your standards must rise
Healing helps you recognize the difference between healthy and harmful patterns.
7. Femininity after trauma is a journey
Softness doesn’t come overnight when you’ve had to survive. Give yourself grace as you rediscover it.
8. Resilience is your power
It’s not about never breaking it’s about rebuilding, stronger and wiser each time.
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